As I stare at a blank document thinking where/ how to start
this chapter, there are many things running in my mind and I’m trying to
organize in a timeline which I want to share here. Unlike my other blogs where I
usually have a backstory or somehow try to connect to my previous blog, this
one is going to be just random thoughts
that flash through my mind or a deep insight into my thought process. In fact I
have decided not to socialize this blog. May be someday down the lane it may
become irrelevant or be more meaningful. When I look back at this, it might be
good read to be proud of the journey I have been.. So if you are reading this,
you may stop here and if you still want continue, welcome to my fuzzy world.
Life was smooth or Alhamdulillah
(God’s grace) is still smooth, I shouldn’t be complaining for what I have is a
blessing. But sometimes we need few lessons to be learnt, for a better future. Because
without that, the smoothness that is there now would be tough to navigate. A
perfect comparison would be learning to skate on a smooth ice.
Sooo, I had just
moved in to a new city of Nizams a year back with a mind full of doubts of how
I’m going to survive here. Though it is the place where I was born, never have
I ever stayed in this city for more than two weeks. For it is not like I don’t
like the city, whereas the city does not like me. I would often be sick if I
stayed more than a week well at least that is what my history is with this
city. Before even I moved in I had witnessed some trailers in Chennai, a
special night where I lost my voice box for a few minutes, a major car accident
where we as a family escaped a life threatening one by few meters, followed by
a motor cycle incident again narrowly missing a major one. And after moving in
the opening scene was a ER visit at 2 AM, unable to breath and a pain radiating
from the chest to left arm. A perfect start to my mid life crisis and I’m just
36 yet.
Life has to move on, not by choice but it is what it is. With two kids young and ageing parents you got no choice but to move on, there is no other option left. After too many rumble strips in a span of 3 months, the journey was moving to a national highway, back on cruise mode but this time doing a 60 on a 120 road. The rumble strips did leave a mark in my mind and stayed with me as health anxiety. It made me do medical shopping (a term which I learnt recently) and spend all my savings of a month. I went into a vicious cycle of tests and consultations and physiotherapy sessions. It went to a point where I was referred to a psychiatrist and clear my mind. And I’m still seriously contemplating on the consultation hopefully will do it soon.
While all this was happening on an individual level, the responsibility
of a son started pitching in. The lady who was once a symbol of boldness, adamant
and independent soul now has suddenly succumbed to her ailing body at the age
of 72. Though the body gave her signs 10 years back, the mind never listened
and kept it under the wraps. It has come to a point where the body and the
organs have started giving up one by one and need that extra push in the form
of capsules and tablets from outside. And for the mind which was never trained
for that external push it has become next to impossible to rewire now. Even
after 9 trips to ER and out of which 5 or 6 in ICU, the mind still does not
budge. Probably it has given up too. Well in this chaos we must not forget the
two kids and the princess having their own share of attention seeking
activities.
The Truth never Told:
In the middle of
these life lessons there are a few thoughts that flashes in the mind and some
are even forbidden to say it out loud.
1. Why is this happening now? Well at some point everyone
will go through this and it is part and parcel of life.
2. Did I put an effort to make things right when things
were not working out between the two elders.? May be, but the context of this
blog would have been completely different and I’m 100 percent sure about it. It’s
not like I did not try, but I simply did not want to, for the mental peace of
everyone. Right or Wrong, I will know when I’m being questioned in my life after
life.
3. May be things would have been different if the
two would just had led a normal life? Still this situation would have come and
may be I would have reacted more emotionally than being a practical metal head
harder to crack which I’m now.
4. Will I be able to show my empathy to her or tell
her that in my mind I had lived a different life. A contrasting life to what I
lived till now. Even if I make up mind to show that, somehow the manufacturing
defect never lets me show it.
5. Why does she have to go through it.? Can it end
sooner.? I definitely would not want to end it sooner. But want to make it
easier. At this stage I could only pray for this and for everyone including me.
6. Will I do the same mistake which my elders did? May
be it was the best they could do given their environment and experience, may be
it was never a mistake. Whatever it is I am what I am because of them and I’m
grateful for that.
7.
How do I convince a man who is aging as well and
twice as adamant, short tempered as the lady to stay with me in a new city
which he does not like a bit. ? This I’m completely blank and the fear of guilt
is at pro max level now. Hope things work out soon.
8. Will my kids show the same empathy to me if at
all I grow older than this. ? Time has to answer, but I have the least expectations
to this. Deep in the buried thoughts are some expectations though for which I’m
not prepared yet.
9. What do I do after all this is over.? Will this ever be over at all? Or is this the reality that I had failed to overthink.
Why is this so simple and overcomplicated at the same time.?
A son who is nearing 40 in a couple of years, should he be
worrying about his receding hair line, or a career which is exponentially being
taken over by AI, or his parents who are living in two different cities on
different conditions, or his own medical shopping expenses and health anxieties,
or be concerned about his less availability to his kids and family. Is the
legacy being passed on which I’m trying hard to avoid but the flow takes me
there.
To the Future
If at all there are more chapters and lessons to teach, here’s
my kind request or a wish. The past has been very kind in making sure to not push
me to my breaking point. It has shaped me to be flexible and rigid enough to
face the present. It gave me the right opportunities to face you, equipped me
with a support system and a safety net to catch me when I lose the grip from my
ladder.
Now that I’ve learned to skate on a smooth surface and jump
ahead of the small bumps, please give the present a glimpse of what you have and
make me prepare for it. Not that I want you to change the plans for me for I’m
sure you have the best curated for me. But then I wanted to be prepared this
time, so that I get to live it fully.
To the Almighty
To the master who
controls the three (past, present, future) and everything around. I just have
one thing to say; Thank you for everything, and please don’t let go of my
finger. Give me the ability and the mobility to do my own things. Give me the
chance to complete what I have started. I don’t know if it’s all pre written or
branches based on what I do and how I use the opportunity. I want you to guide
me throughout and be there till the end. And that hope to me is the only thing is
all that matters. I wish the closing chapter be a happy ending.
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